Friday, March 11, 2022



In which your anonymous author imagines the unimaginable – a wee break from the classroom stress and educational garbage that accompanies the Scottish national curriculum.

Excellence Has a Day Off

 It starts with the register,

children’s names being substituted

for picnic items, fizzy drinks,

sandwich fillings and continental cheeses.

They are not fazed by the switch.


One maths lesson taught with

no reference to targets

children apparently fail to notice

its absence – perhaps they don’t care?

Those who finish early are tricked by,


not extra work, but extra free choice!

Playtime extended by ten minutes.

Milk and story time doubled.

Language lesson, no trick this time,

just a promise; finish early and play.


Lunch over, we go a walk in the woods

build a hut, then race back, Last’s a silly sausage ….. 

Next, Shakespeare verses parsed

from say, Romeo and Juliet,

Act out the same, for a laugh.


With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls,

for stony limits cannot hold love out.

Project proceeds without children

debating their own protocols, nor

stating Q I outcomes, they know already!

Teacher just teaches, flying the lesson

on experience. Somehow it lands okay.


The day passes with no reference

to the conveyer belt of pedagogic

balderdash that clich├ęs our lessons.

No fires, no police, no children lost,

Excellence ends the day with a Beaujolais.    


You know what, Boys and Girls, let’s do it again. But don’t tell the head-teacher.


Talk about setting yourself up for a failure: The hubris of Scotland’s national curriculum, The Curriculum for Excellence, begs for divine correction. And, in a way, this is what has happened; with the educational system discredited, the profession demoralised and the pupils stressed and failed. The entire shekel plunder that is public education is deserving of mockery. And here I do my bit.

I have it on good authority that the sheer lack of common modesty (and not least the hubristic challenge) of The Curriculum for Excellence title was pointed out to the various government ministers, educational ‘experts’ and tax farmers responsible for its introduction, but you will not be surprised to know that these assorted imbeciles and dystopians followed their own advice.

PS. This poem is from my Relentless: The Death March to Educational Excellence. This genuinely excellent (honestly) book is a multi-media approach to the well-deserved mockery of our state schools. Here is a picture of the front cover. It is available if you click the Big Ride link at top right.